Password-Protected Sex – “Access Denied”

A very attractive single mom recently told me this story: She had met a man and felt sure he was the man of her dreams. There was a synchronicity about their meeting she could not ignore; the chemistry was electric and the sex, she said, was the best she had ever had—in her life, I might add. It had to be love, she gushed!

But then she told me, she was upset because she’d emailed him after they’d had sex to tell him she was still thinking about him. And she never heard back. Yah, they saw each other shortly thereafter but something was off. When she asked what was wrong, he told her he wasn’t interested in her “theatrics.”

What did my friend do wrong? Did she do ANYTHING wrong?

Even before she told me the story, she knew the answers to these questions: she got intimate before she knew who this man was and what he wanted—and more, she herself still believed that chemistry is love. Bottom line, his behavior was cruel, and she had made herself and her daughter vulnerable before they had taken care to find out if this man was capable of, or willing to, honor and respect her/them.

We have top-secret codes and passwords for everything: our ATM and credit cards, our email, the alarms at our home and office, our lockers at the gym, for online banking, to get into our cars. But somehow, we’ve forgotten the most IMPORTANT thing out of all these: ourselves. And WE need a password.

So what does it mean to have a “password” for your sexual life? What should be the things you need to hear – and believe – before you become intimate with someone? Here are some ideas – in varying forms of strength:

Here are some very low-strength passwords:

What’s your number?
You look like my future!
Can I buy you a drink?
You turn me on so much!
I can’t stop thinking about you…

All of the above one-liners are designed to get you in the sack: for every genuine guy, 99.9% of millions of others want to break your code and see how fast they can do it. Especially a guy who doesn’t want a relationship. Which, by the way, should be your first question. Sure, they may lie as another ploy to get further with you, but if you’re truly tuned in, listening to YOUR instincts and watching their body language, you can get a pretty good feeling of what the other person is about!

Medium strength:

I have never felt this way before!
We’ve been on three dates, come on!
You make me so hot, why would you deny yourself?
My friends all like you.
I am a great guy.
I love you (exclusively when said while naked)

These are common and compelling scenarios, but none of them are real indicators of anything that takes much effort on his part. Feelings come and go, the number of dates doesn’t really matter, denial can sometimes be good (especially when someone’s using that line to hook up with you!), their friends may be lame … and so on, and so on … !


I don’t want to see anyone else but you. (and some time has proven this)
I know who I am and what I want.
I think we make a great team!
Move in with me. (no commitment other than this)
I want to share my life with you.
Spend your life with me.
Marry me.

Okay, Ideally these words would be a precursor for sexual intimacy. Why? Not because I’m being prude, but because I have been witness to what happens when we don’t slow down and check out the goods.  What I am saying is, slow down. Wait. Take the relationship for a test drive. Gather all your information. History tells us that when we don’t, we are setting ourselves up for trouble. It’s not a theory, it’s a fact!

Look at your relationship history and you will see that hindsight serves you. Take care to learn from those choices and have a plan so you are less inclined to make them again. A man who knows he wants to be with you is different from a man who wants you—take note.

A man who wants to shack up is different from a man who wants to share his life with you. These distinctions often take time to make—again, you are worth the effort and time, and there is plenty of time for sex!

About the Author

Maryanne Comaroto is an internationally known relationship expert, talk show host and author. Her weekly live radio talk show reaches millions of listeners in the U.S. and around the world. Maryanne’s philosophy is “Great relationships begin within


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